Respect is Earned, Not Given?
“Respect is earned, not given.”
I heard a man at the airport say to his colleague as we waited to board our flight. I did not take the time to listen to anymore of the conversation, I knew all I needed to know about their work environment. I had seen it too many times before.
I grew up in what you could define as your typical “command and control” environment; I was told what to do and how to do it. One story that always stuck out to me occurred when I was about ten years old. Looking to make extra money, my father offered to pay me to paint an antenna tower. He gathered the necessary supplies, instructed me on how to proceed and then left me to work. We had laid the tower down on its side on the ground. I was to paint what I could, let it dry, and then turn it over to paint the rest.
After a while, I realized that my back was hurting from leaning over so much. I looked around, spotted a five gallon bucket and brought it over so I could sit on it. My discomfort was alleviated, and I proceeded on with my job. I was about half way through when my father came back to check on my progress and found me “sitting on the job.” His response to my actions was, “You would find a way to sit down to do anything wouldn’t you? That is just plain lazy.”
In my opinion, I had found a better way to do the task at hand. I couldn’t understand what the issue was and protested my defense. It was quickly dismissed, and he walked away disapprovingly. Now, I do not want people to think I had a terrible childhood. I didn’t. My father taught me many valuable lessons that have shaped who I am today. Unfortunately, he was merely spouting what had been taught to him in his own home and at work, “Respect is earned, not given.” The opinions of those doing the work never supersede those of management. If you want to feel “respected” then just do your job and you won’t get in trouble, that is how they show “respect.” Besides, you should understand that those in control know better than you anyways.
This is how I grew up understanding management. To be a leader meant you were smarter than everyone else, so you told them how to do their job. Sometimes, “if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself.” Those under your control were literally beneath you, so you treated them that way until they proved themselves. I spent years thinking this way. I always did what I was told. Even if I didn’t agree with a decision, I would tout its merits to my co-workers. I was called a “yes-man” among other things by my peers. They didn’t understand, I was just following the rules that I had been given, and that is part of the problem. We pass these things along to the younger people we are mentoring without nearly enough evaluation and thinking of our actions.
I struggled with my self internally for years. The part of myself that genuinely cared about the well-being and success of all of those around me would battle with the part that would do whatever it took to climb the ranks. Hints of my true self would come out, normally during interviews for promotions, which was probably the worst time considering the environment.
Interviewing for an assistant manager position I was asked what I felt was the most important characteristic a leader could have. My true self blurted out, “Admit when you are mistaken.” The manager paused for a second before asking what I meant. I proceeded to explain how important I felt it was to let those around you know when you made a mistake, to apologize, to show some humility, and to ask for others input to prevent a similar situation. Fully understanding that I had truly meant what I said, the manager started to laugh. It was the only time I was actually laughed at during an interview. I didn’t get the job, and honestly, I am extremely thankful that I didn’t. Respect was definitely something that was earned, not given by that manager.
Early during my lean journey, I had the privilege to be a guest on Gemba Academy’s podcast. One of my favorite part’s of their interviews is when they ask each individual what “Respect for People” means to them. “Respect” can be understood and defined in many different ways. It was refreshing to hear other’s definitions and examples that aligned with my own:
Respect should be GIVEN, not “earned”.
For your own personal experiment, try this little exercise. Instead of waiting for people around you to “earn” your respect, lead yourself by giving them your respect first until and unless they show you a reason to do things differently. Give people your respect, and I bet most people will return the same to you.
